The past week has been Eating Disorder Awareness Week in the UK and, while I've have managed to share other people's contributions to my friends on Facebook, it's made me even more aware than ever of the blogging drought I've had since the blog challenges of May and June.
At first, I had problems keeping up with the blogging movement once it changed from the Hungry for Change Facebook page to its own group (Blogging for Wellbeing). There were also issues with timing because of various things that occurred in July and August in my own life. Plus it's easy to get out of the habit of writing.
But I think there's one major factor in my current inability to blog: I have huge admiration for the participants of Blogging for Wellbeing and Team Recovery and other social media fora for eating disorder recovery. Yet somehow I don't feel like I belong because I'm not good enough at recovery. Most days, I fail in so many ways at being positive and don't fight hard enough to shake off the patterns and routines imposed by anorexia. I let so many people down in so many ways that I don't want to let down all the wonderful people who blog about the possibilities of recovery as well.
I read this post last night by Sarah of Team Recovery. The video moved me profoundly. It's heartstoppingly awful to think about how this illness can affect others. Most of the time, it's so solitary and all we are aware of is our own need to do things and live in a certain way. We end up numb to the way we are impacting on everyone around us.
So, even though I don't know how to make myself into a recovery "ninja" and I can't tell a story with a positive outcome, the main thing to come out of EDAW 13 for me has been an awareness of my own failures in terms of recovery and my fear of hypocrisy along with a new desire to lessen the impact of my actions on my friends and family.